misanthropica

misanthrope: ['mɪzən θrəʊp] n.

One who hates or mistrusts other people or mankind in general.

I hate egotistical marketing people.

Understand, I respect a bit of ego. After all, we all have one (unless you’ve actually achieved some level of Zen mastery, in which case I probably have other problems with you). And I don’t inherently hate marketing, even if it is more commonly used for evil than for good. But when you bring me a person who specializes in marketing, whose ego is so caught up in every aspect of a project reflecting their whims that they are willing to stare you in the face and swear that an apple is an orange…well, those people are welcome to take a long walk off a short pier over eel infested waters. Or possibly those tiny Australian jellyfish that you can hardly see but have incredibly painful, paralyzing stings. I imagine that sucks more.

So here’s what you need to know as a marketing person before you walk into a room of specialists in other fields: sometimes they’re right, and you’re wrong. And your gut feeling about it, your personal sense of aesthetics, your dogged insistence, and your mincing, passive-aggressive corporatespeak don’t count for jack. Other than making me really angry, and that is seriously not going to help you get what you want. If you want to bring statistics, demographic profiles, case studies and/or focus group studies, you are more than welcome. That’s all useful information. You are welcome to present creative, innovative ideas that may never have occurred to the rest of the group. That’s pretty much half your job description. But when you sit across the table from me and swear on your mother’s virgin panties that black text on a mottled, mid-tone background is no less legible than dark text on a white background…well, you’re either literally crazy, or you’re so invested in having what you want just because you want it that you’re willing to sit there and tell a bald-faced lie to a room full of reasonable people. With eyeballs of their own. So you’re probably also an idiot.

And then, of course, when you find you’re gaining no ground and begin to suspect that this time, somehow, you don’t seem to be able to bully people into acquiescence, you do the most predictable, but most stupid, thing you could do: you begin to express concerns about the qualifications and professionalism of those who do not agree with you. Seriously? Most of the time, if you’re sitting in a room full of people all working on the same project, all those people are there specifically because they are qualified professionals in the aspect of the project on which they’re working. When you start attacking their “professionalism”, you sound like a sulky child who has just realized their temper tantrum is really not getting them a pony for Christmas. Quite honestly? It makes me question your professionalism.

So the next time you are trotting your way toward the board room, full of your own bright vision of what the project should be…stop a moment in the bathroom and look yourself in the eyes and say a little power mantra a few times, until you start to understand it. It goes like this: They are not all my toys. Say it over and over, because it’s deeper than you think. Say it until you believe it.

Or don’t. Because you don’t have to take my advice, any more than I have to take yours.

I hate people who refuse to learn.

Today I had an email from a client asking me about a software choice. Obviously not a problem, it’s the kind of question I answer all the time. What set this particular email apart, however, was the fact that I had answered this exact question three times previously for this same client. In email. There’s […]

I hate xenophobes.

So you’ve hit 30-something+ and you’ve made a nice little life for yourself. You tell yourself you have worked hard for what you have. That two-story vinyl-sided house with the perfectly shorn lawn and the two trees that are exactly equidistant from the front walk. The two car garage with the two comfortable, leather-seated sedans […]

I hate patriots.

You wake up full of anticipation, your plans already laid for the next two days. You click on the t.v. and bask in it’s comforting drone as you cheerfully bumble about the house, shaving your pubic hair into the stars and stripes before donning your “America – Love It or Leave It!” t-shirt and wandering […]

I hate mysophobes

Don’t know what a mysophobe is? Not my problem, feel free to look it up. See, the problem here is not that I think we should all be going around licking dirty diapers. I don’t. But people who go around slathering themselves with antibacterial gel and screaming at their children if the kids get a […]

I hate tourists.

You have to know what you’re doing. There is no possible way you are just standing there, blithely ignorant of the fact that your khaki-garbed ass is taking up the entire sidewalk while you gawk at the pigeon deterrents on the condo balconies. Furthermore, there’s no fucking way pigeon deterrents are that fascinating. Therefore, I […]

I hate people who maliciously manhandle the language

Now, in principle, I’m talking about all languages. Whether you’re communicating in Esperanto or Egyptian hieroglyphics, it behooves you to try to do it in a way which actually communicates what you’re trying to say. As opposed to something else, like the opposite of what you’re trying to say. But I must begin this rant […]

I hate people who drag you to parties

For introverted misanthropes, parties are a minefield of unwanted, awkward social interaction. So this isn’t really just about the people who get you there, but that’s the start. Because inevitably the whole ordeal begins with someone deciding you need to get out more. They mean well. They think it’ll do you good. They just can’t […]

I hate people who make shopping an even worse hell

Going to the store is bad enough. The bright, buzzing lights, annoying tinned music, and glaring advertisements set my teeth on edge. I have to buy food, therefore I tolerate these things. It’s the people, however, which take this hell to a whole new level. Let’s start with the store manager. A pretentious weeble-wobble of […]

I hate people who misuse e-mail

Now, I rather love e-mail. It fulfills the need to communicate with the outside world without painful and tedious phone conversations. There’s less room for misunderstandings. It doesn’t barge its way into your life and it doesn’t demand to be dealt with this instant. You can skim the boring or superfluous parts without spending hours […]