For introverted misanthropes, parties are a minefield of unwanted, awkward social interaction. So this isn’t really just about the people who get you there, but that’s the start. Because inevitably the whole ordeal begins with someone deciding you need to get out more. They mean well. They think it’ll do you good. They just can’t understand your feelings on the matter. And thus despite your protests you find yourself subjected to the good intentions of your more extroverted friends.

Just because it’s solely their fault that you’re there doesn’t mean that they’ll look after you and shield you from the idiots sure to be in attendance. Oh no. Having succeeded in dragging you kicking and screaming to this hell, they instantly desert you to go talk to an acquaintance. While they’re off enjoying themselves, you are left to fend for yourself. Your best option at this point is to simply find a corner and wait it out. If you can successfully find somewhere out of the way to sit, you might just be able to make it out without having to interact with any morons. Unfortunately, said morons seem to make it their business to seek you out.

First there are those who, like the people who brought you there in the first place, decide that you must socialize at all costs. They see you sitting quietly in your nice little corner and barge right in. The small talk starts hitting you from all sides, the endless stream of drivel flows fast, and it’s all you can do not to strangle them. Your one word bored responses only serve to make them try harder. Hostess types may even undertake to introduce you around in a vain attempt to turn you in to a nice little extrovert. Having been targeted by one of these people, your only hope is to be rescued by someone wanting to talk to them, or to make your excuses and run.

Even worse than the social butterflies are the ones who try to proposition you. They turn on all the charm and wit they possess and think it will enable them to get you into their bed before the night is out. Unfortunately anyone trying to pick you up at a party probably has more smarm than seductiveness, and is a complete and utter moron. If you’re unwilling to tell them this point blank, you’ll just have to take a trip to the toilet and never return.

So at some point you’re going to have to leave your corner, and you’re not going to be able to find another one. If you’re lucky, by this point your friends might actually deign to stop socializing for two minutes and come rescue you. Otherwise you’re left with finding a conversation to join. Now, it’s unlikely you’ll find one you’re actually interested in, let alone one you want to contribute to. But you might manage to find a group of people who will happily let you stand around and pretend to be interested. If not, you’re left with two types: the ones who actively ignore you and the ones who try to include you. The former is probably preferable. This type of person will go to great lengths to make it clear that you are not welcome and are certainly not part of the conversation. They leave you standing just slightly outside the circle. When they look around for effect or response, their eyes slide over you. If there’s a pause you might fill (as if you wanted to) they quickly start speaking. Then there’s the latter type; the ones who do the complete opposite. They take every opportunity to drag you into the limelight. They look to you for a response after every comment, clearly indicating they want you to speak. They even go so far as to question you directly. They are, in short, a complete nuisance.

At some point you’re also going to have to go in search of food and drink; you’ll have to run the gauntlet of the buffet. Get there early and you’ll have to elbow your way in, although claustrophobia is the least of your concerns. People are pushy and greedy; you’re more likely to end up with bruises and spilt drinks than a plate full of tasty treats. If you wait for the rush to pass, you’ll be left picking over the last few sad items left by the hungry hordes.

As the evening wears on, inevitably people start getting drunker and directly more obnoxious. Which is a pity, as people you can barely tolerate sober incite violence when drunk. Everyone becomes more chatty, more smarmy, and less likely to leave you alone. If you’ve managed to stay sober yourself (a highly unlikely proposition) you get the added bonus of getting to deal with drunks using your full compliment of senses.

Maybe you can avoid all this. Maybe you brought your own car, made sure anyone who came with you has a separate ride home (or reconciled yourself to the guilt) and you need only put in a half hour appearance before running. If not, good luck. You’re at the mercy of your friends, and they’re not leaving anytime soon. Try not to focus on the fact that it’s their fault you’re here in the first place, or they may be ending the night in a ditch. At least you can rest safe in the knowledge that no jury of misanthropes would ever convict you.

Tags: alcohol, conversation, party, socializing