I try to be a fairly nice person. I smile at random strangers on the street so that they understand I am not a threat, and I don’t show too many teeth (as I understand that can also be interpreted as a threat…people are complicated). I say “thank you” when appropriate, I tip generously, and I never, ever elbow people out of the way in order to be the first in line. It’s not that I’m a saint, mind you, rather I understand that if we are all to coexist on this planet indefinitely, we’d all be a lot happier if we simply strove to act the way we wish other people would.
Oh, how I wish other people would.
Years of following this principle has earned me two things:
1) My few friends tend to think of me as a reasonable person.
2) My opinion of most other human beings has plummeted.
I will continue to behave in a reasonable manner just on the off-chance that it might somehow have a mitigating effect on one or two of the deliberately ignorant, rude, selfish fuckwits with whom I must share the world. But, what with the not being a saint an’ all, if I try to convince myself that I actually like them, I may explode like a Peep in a microwave. Therefore, this site: a place for those of us who die a little every time we have to interact with a stranger to be able to say why.
Future articles will focus on specific types of people who make us want to throw living badgers on them (I wouldn’t, of course, think of the badgers), but for now, an introduction by way of list.
I fucking hate people who:
Cut in front of you in the middle of a concert, and then step on your feet while obstructing your view. Yell at their kids in the store. Forward chain mail. Use the word “of” immediately after using the word “myriad”. Put “In Memory Of…” on the back of their bloody car. Leave pee on public toilet seats. Try to convert me to their religion. Try to use quantum physics to justify their wishy-washy world view. Honk their horn when someone does not move instantly when the light changes. Honk their horn outside the neighbor’s house to avoid the apparently arduous walk to the door to pick them up. Think education = elitism. Are racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic, “patriotic”, or “nationalistic”. Have no idea what the difference is between an argument and a fight. Have never even considered trying to construct a logical argument. Think humans are better than other animals. Think other animals “don’t have feelings”. Refuse to accept factual evidence when it’s put in front of them. Complain endlessly about the food at a restaurant, and then don’t tip the wait staff.  Chew grits with their mouth open.  Talk loudly during movies at a theatre. Don’t recycle, because they can’t be bothered. Demonize another religion without understanding it. Use intimidation, rather than reason, as a default. Want to snobbily explain how their taste is better than mine. Use “then” when they mean “than”. Wear too much perfume. Tell me the health risks of my vices.  Are so comfortable in their white picket fence that they actually have no idea what the rest of the world experiences.  Talk “baby talk” to their children or their pets. Dress their twins alike (without the twins permission). Believe everything they read, including forwarded emails from dubious sources. Think it’s “a waste of time” to read. Talk on their cell phones while checking out at the store. Talk on their cell phones while driving. Think I want to have a two hour chat on the phone, ever. Hire someone to do a job in a specialized field, and then try to tell them how to do it. Won’t try to figure something out for themselves before asking me to do it for them. Shriek when a normal voice would suffice. Type in all-caps. Use Internet Explorer. Especially if they’re still using IE6. Think passive-aggressive is somehow better than openly aggressive. Think everyone gets exactly what they deserve. Don’t bother to train their dogs. Especially if they let them run around without a leash. Think war solves more problems than it creates. Think a world-wide love-in (or similar concept) will fix everything. Are still going on about Obama’s birth certificate. Claim there’s no such thing as global warming because winter was cold. Think they should be able to legislate what’s “good” for other people. Think “Because I said so.” is actually a reason. Post on blog articles without reading them first. Blame others as a mask for their own deficiencies. Won’t listen to the end of a sentence before responding. Are too dignified to have fun. Are too frightened to stand up for what they believe. Use cynicism and apathy as an excuse to avoid trying. Are too mentally lazy to know what they believe, or why.
It’s just a start, just the tip of the iceberg. But even the sinking of the Titanic had to start somewhere.
