Now, in principle, I’m talking about all languages. Whether you’re communicating in Esperanto or Egyptian hieroglyphics, it behooves you to try to do it in a way which actually communicates what you’re trying to say. As opposed to something else, like the opposite of what you’re trying to say. But I must begin this rant with the admission that I am only completely fluent in English, and therefore the examples following are specifically English examples. If you speak other languages and have your own list of gripes, feel free to add them in the comments. And we’ll see how well Google Translate allows me to comprehend.

That said, worst offenders to the scaffolding…

Learn the difference between “then” and “than.” It’s not that hard. “Then” references sequence: “I listened to him for five minutes, and then I drove a six inch spike through his tongue.” “Than” references a comparison between two things: “I would rather have my eyes devoured by rabid butterflies than ever have to talk to him again.” Quit mixing that shit up.

Do not ever use “of” after either “myriad” or “should.” Yes, there’s a technical reason, but I’m not going to befuddle you with it. Just don’t do it. You can say, “There are myriad reasons for killing myself.” You can say, “Perhaps I should have killed you, instead.” You may not, fucking ever, say, “There are myriads of reasons for killing myself, but maybe I should of killed you, instead.” That is unbelievably grating, the kind of mistake that is only forgivable in a child under five.

Comprehend contractions. A contraction is a word that’s actually made up of two words shoved together with some letters left out. See “that’s” back there? It’s a contraction. It’s made of the word “that” and the word “is.” “It’s,” likewise, is a contraction. Made up of “it” and “is.” It means it is. Now look at this sentence: “The cat licked it’s ass.” Were you trying to say, “The cat licked it is ass”? No? Then you just fucked up. You want “its,” which is not a contraction (note the lack of apostrophe). Fix it, or the rest of the English speaking world will know you’re a moron.

Expand your vocabulary. If I use a word you don’t know, don’t act like I’m somehow an elitist asshole who can’t use common English. That just makes me think you have the mental capacity of an inbred rodent, and then I start thinking about how our whole society is failing because of the public school system, and then I want to convince you to do very bad things in order to bring about the collapse of society (I’m pretty sure I could, based on the level of your intelligence)… I digress. When you encounter a word you don’t know, be fucking grateful for the opportunity and ask what it means. Or go look it up, if you know how.

Get a grip on your interjections. Do not expect me to sit through an endless morass of “um, yeah, well, like, I, er, thought maybe…” I have better things to do, like studying mathematics so that I can finally get that physics degree so that I can be on the first ship off the planet. We all occasionally fumble and need a half second to get our thoughts together. But if you need fifty interjections, or even worse, if you use “like” as a rhythmic marker in your speech, it’s quite clear your ideas are not coherent enough to be worth my time. Go talk to the trees… the poor things have no choice but to stand there and listen to you. I do.

Learn to say something interesting. OK, I know this is really general, but… at least try to find something interesting to say. Communication exists for the purpose of exchanging ideas, not contributing to noise pollution. Here’s a tip: if it’s something people typically say when meeting for the first time in an elevator, it’s not fucking interesting. If you have been talking for five minutes straight and you look over and I’m staring blankly at the wall behind your head, whatever you’ve been saying is not interesting. Another tip: do not ask me what I am thinking about, at this point. Be provocative, be daring. Titillate, pique and amuse me. Spend a little of your off-time actually thinking, so that when you have the opportunity to open your mouth you have actual ideas to share. Hell, be rude; just do it in an engaging and interesting manner. I can forgive nearly anything — up to and including everything I have said here thus far — if you will just say something worth listening to.

As long as we’re sharing this planet, there will be occasions where we have to converse with each other. Let’s try to make it worth our while. After all, small talk is for small minds.

Tags: communication, conversation, grammar, spelling